Just when I thought I couldn't be more alone.

Yesterday I found out where I'm being sent on placement.

All my friends are really pleased with where they are going.

They all have each other.

I'm going alone. Well, with one other person but I don't know how that'll go. So basically I'm alone.

I cried a lot. Today and yesterday.

It's made me want to drop out of Drama School completely.




5 Months in another country.
With no money.
No friends.
No hope.


I find it hard enough living in London.


Living in the Czech Republic is going to be terrifying.


I made such a bad decision coming here I think.


But what can I do now? Nothing. I'm too poor to leave.

What a mess I find myself in.




Today all I've done is cry.


My eyes hurt.


I was meant to be writing an essay comparing two principles (one from each) from Grotowski, Meyerhold or Barba's theatre practices. But I don't even see the point.

I'm not bright. How am I supposed to write 4000 words on something I can't even find 10 words on.




I think this is what a mental breakdown is.




I had to pick a weakness yesterday. A weakness I can try and invent ways to fix it and get ripped to shreds for it.




I wish I could find the enjoyment in it all but I've not felt happiness in a very long time.








I need help. I just don't know who can or would want to help me.

First Year.

My first year at Drama School.

Today is the 5th July 2016 and I finished my first year at Drama School a week and 4 days ago.

When I think about my life this past year all I can think is that it has been a montage of loving and hating, not at different times, but simultaneously.

The course is beautiful and I love it, but for some bizarre reason I hate it also. Maybe it's because I don't fit in, maybe it's because it is hard, maybe it's because I don't know what can become of me after. I don't know.

But one thing I know for sure is that I hated every single minute of living in halls. It was like a prison. It was toxic. It was so damaging for mental health. I loathe that place now and I always will. 

I came to realise this year that I am lonely, that I struggle with people, that I feel empty, that I don't belong, that I probably don't have any sort of good future that will come from this place, that unless I'm 'lucky' I'll suffer, that I'm poor, that I'm weak, that I'm sad and that I wish I'd taken a gap year and really thought about what I wanted to do with my life.

Drama School is so difficult to get into and believe me I don't say this lightly, but this past year has been the worst of my life. 

"So why stay, when so many others are fighting to be in your position?" is what you're probably asking, and to be honest I've asked myself the same thing. And this is my answer: I fought to be here, I gave it my all and I got in, I knew it'd be hard, I'd even been told I'd probably hate it, but I see what the second and third years are doing in their classes and I want to do it! I think about what I'll do for my dissertation all the time and the thought sparks fires within me! I'm still fighting for this place even though I've got it and have been here a year, I am still fighting. I just don't know if it'll be worth it.

I'm a giver upper. I always have been. But I don't want to be that any more. I don't want to be the person who fails once or twice and packs it in. I want to be the person who fails hundreds of times but won't give up. And so yes first year has broken me in many ways, but I'm going to make second year fix me. I'm going to go into the year with a positive heart and I'm going to try. 

Who knows where I'll be or what I'll be doing when this post is published? 

I just hope I'm happy, and I hope I never gave up.

A message for you

This is a message I wished I could send to you right now because I need you.

You know who 'you' are.



I miss you. I miss you a lot.

I feel empty without your friendship.

You were the best friend I ever had.

I'm not the person I was and neither are you.

So I guess that makes us strangers.

But I want to meet you.

The new you.

I want to be your friend.

Joanna? Do you still know him?

Brace yourself Joanna.


He was kind.

sweet.

young.

naive.

beautiful.

your best friend.

he made you smile.

he knew you better than anyone else.

but he broke your heart.

not once.

twice.

and you hurt.

a lot.

because.

you loved him.

a lot.

but it was a bad idea.

you knew that.






you always said you'd never regret it.


do you regret it now?

do you still miss him?

do you even still know him?

Grow up with me - Keaton Henson

"Lets both stay away from the edge of the bed, forcing us closer together."

What I had for Breakfast

On this day 5 years ago for Breakfast I ate Strawberries and drank Cranberry juice whilst making myself a packed lunch of Cabbage, Tomatoes and Pepper.

4 Pics 1 Word

We keep trying to pinpoint the moment we actually met.

I know I was at his sisters wedding in 2009 but we didn't know each other then.

My first memory of him was us sitting in a minibus in what must have been 2010.

I turned round to him and said rather confidently "I hear you're good at 4 pics 1 word and I'm stuck on this one can you help me please."

In my mind he was a year or so younger than me and was very shy.

I literally had no idea that in a couple of years I'd fall in love with him.


What madness.