4 Pics 1 Word

We keep trying to pinpoint the moment we actually met.

I know I was at his sisters wedding in 2009 but we didn't know each other then.

My first memory of him was us sitting in a minibus in what must have been 2010.

I turned round to him and said rather confidently "I hear you're good at 4 pics 1 word and I'm stuck on this one can you help me please."

In my mind he was a year or so younger than me and was very shy.

I literally had no idea that in a couple of years I'd fall in love with him.


What madness.

I don't get it

I'll never understand how someone can chase someone else for their love and then the moment they're about to give it the person chasing them has stopped and turned their back.

Alone.

I've been in Nottingham for around 3 months now.

Something must have gone wrong.

I must have messed up somewhere.

I have no friends here.

Apparently I'm self obsessed.

Only in order to be self obsessed surely you must like yourself?

I don't.

Maybe my coverup for how I actually feel works.

Maybe thats how I lost my friends... trying to fit in and be one of them.

Elephants

In my room right now there are over 100 elephants

CHEER UP JOANNA

I saw a top that says "CHEER UP KEATON HENSON" on his website today. I think I might ask for it for Christmas. He gets it. I think. I mean I wish he didn't get it cause I hate that he's as sad or sadder than I am.

I keep trying to pinpoint what it is thats making me sad.

Money maybe? The fact I have £0 in my bank account and that next week I need to pay back someone £33 for a train ticket and I owe my dad £15 for a train ticket, meaning that's nearly 2 weeks worth of money I owe. So for the next two weeks I need to live off what I have in my cupboard, which isn't a lot because we had weevils and had to throw out most our food. So for the next two weeks and the remainder of this week I have about 4 servings worth of pasta, 4 cans of tinned fruit, 3 sashes of cup a soups, 3 frozen salmon fillets and a pack of gluten free pink wafers. My tutors tell me I look ill, I don't wonder why.


Maybe it's that all my friends back home hate me because I'm self obsessed and only care about myself. I enjoy my life too much apparently. How wrong they all are. I now fear conversations with anyone and everyone scared that I'll mention myself and damn myself to the misconception that I only care about myself. Today I messaged two of those old friends just to say hello and ask how they were. That was several hours ago and still no response. I messed up. I lost all my friends from college. Well all but one, Alice, she's great.


Maybe its because I feel ill and weak.

Maybe its because I'm worried about where I'll be sent on placement.

I don't know. I am sad.

I'm homesick.

A Constant Loop

No matter what we do, our lives are trapped in a constant loop.

You and me don't work, right?

So why do we constantly find ourselves here again.

Face to face.

Eye to eye.

Mouth to mouth.

We'll hate each other for a period of time and then we'll be together in one another's presence and thats when one of two things will happen.

We'll fight or we'll kiss and theres no in-between.
I just don't understand what it is that makes us so keen?

We just keep trying over and over again and then as a result I'm the one left hurt in the end.

But for some strange reason, i'll never say no.

And thats because you're the one I fell in love with all those years ago.
And every now and then I fall in love with you again.

You are my constant loop in life.
I don't know how to break the pattern, not yet anyway.

Maybe when this has been posted the pattern will be broken.

But until that day comes, dear my friends, don't fall in love unless you expect it to end.

Today I am angry.

Last night 3 boys beat up a friend of mine.

I don't know why.

Even if I did know why I wouldn't understand.

When someone touches someone you care about in an abusive way it really does get to you.