A Constant Loop

No matter what we do, our lives are trapped in a constant loop.

You and me don't work, right?

So why do we constantly find ourselves here again.

Face to face.

Eye to eye.

Mouth to mouth.

We'll hate each other for a period of time and then we'll be together in one another's presence and thats when one of two things will happen.

We'll fight or we'll kiss and theres no in-between.
I just don't understand what it is that makes us so keen?

We just keep trying over and over again and then as a result I'm the one left hurt in the end.

But for some strange reason, i'll never say no.

And thats because you're the one I fell in love with all those years ago.
And every now and then I fall in love with you again.

You are my constant loop in life.
I don't know how to break the pattern, not yet anyway.

Maybe when this has been posted the pattern will be broken.

But until that day comes, dear my friends, don't fall in love unless you expect it to end.

Today I am angry.

Last night 3 boys beat up a friend of mine.

I don't know why.

Even if I did know why I wouldn't understand.

When someone touches someone you care about in an abusive way it really does get to you.

One Saturday Night

One Saturday night I decided I was going to stay in and go to bed early. But instead I caught two trains and arrived at New Cross station, got off the train and went to Amersham Arms for the first time.

It had a me kind of vibe.

An art gallery upstairs.

Music downstairs.

Lights.

And...

Good Company.

Fully Qualified Giver-Upper

I'm trapped.

I don't want to go to Brno.
Literally everything within me is screaming at me not to go.
I will hate it.
I will be terrified.
I will be cold.
and all I will want is to go home.

But if I don't go I'm a fully qualified giver-upper.

I gave up on piano.
gave up on singing.
gave up on friends.
gave up on art.
gave up on dreaming.
gave up on smiling.
gave up on happiness.

Where did I go wrong.

I want to wake up from this nightmare that is my life.

Because I hate it.

I hate that Nathan lives 411 miles away from me.
I hate that I have no money.
I hate that I can barely eat because I can't afford much food.
I hate that I have no social life because I can't afford it.
I hate that I am so flipping lonely.
I hate that I haven't been home to see my family since summer.
I hate that I have to catch a train home for Christmas.
I hate that I am being sent to Brno alone.
I hate this course.
I hate life so much at the moment.

I want to live.
I want to feel happiness.
I want to see Nathan.
I want to see my family.
I want to have a big roast dinner.
I want to travel home in the car with my Dad listening to Johnny Cash.

Maybe drama school was a bad idea.
I've not been happy since coming here.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay and I'm happy because I'm really really not.

Money is my worst enemy.

I get £35 off my Dad a week to live off.

I couldn't be more thankful that he actually gives me money.

And I hate to say it,

but,

it isn't enough.




I spend the majority of my time crying over money because I actually cannot afford to live.


I need to spend £35 on food
I need to spend £15 on transport
I need to spend £5 on hygiene products

I need to be able to buy theatre tickets when told to

I need to be able to feel safe and not worry if I ever ended up stranded anywhere with no money.



I need a job but I have no time for one.


I'm struggling so much.

I don't enjoy living.


I can't do this much longer.


So many regrets.

I wish I hadn't come to Drama School when I had.


I wish I'd had taken 2 or 3 years out to work and save up money so I could actually afford to be here.



I'm never actually in class.
My body is.
My mind isn't.
My mind is off fighting battles with money.
Sadness.
Dreams for the future.

9 Grand a year and all I'm doing is worrying about money.


I need a miracle.

I need help.

So badly.

I am going to be homeless.

I can see it.

I'm scared.

Please. This is my cry for help.

BLANK

I WENT TO BRIGHTON

On the 6th March 2016 I visited Brighton for the first time with my friend Josh. 

I took photographs and filmed things for his piece of Theatre he was creating for his third year Dissertation of European Theatre Arts. 

These are a few of my favourites that I took.