Just when I thought I couldn't be more alone.

Yesterday I found out where I'm being sent on placement.

All my friends are really pleased with where they are going.

They all have each other.

I'm going alone. Well, with one other person but I don't know how that'll go. So basically I'm alone.

I cried a lot. Today and yesterday.

It's made me want to drop out of Drama School completely.




5 Months in another country.
With no money.
No friends.
No hope.


I find it hard enough living in London.


Living in the Czech Republic is going to be terrifying.


I made such a bad decision coming here I think.


But what can I do now? Nothing. I'm too poor to leave.

What a mess I find myself in.




Today all I've done is cry.


My eyes hurt.


I was meant to be writing an essay comparing two principles (one from each) from Grotowski, Meyerhold or Barba's theatre practices. But I don't even see the point.

I'm not bright. How am I supposed to write 4000 words on something I can't even find 10 words on.




I think this is what a mental breakdown is.




I had to pick a weakness yesterday. A weakness I can try and invent ways to fix it and get ripped to shreds for it.




I wish I could find the enjoyment in it all but I've not felt happiness in a very long time.








I need help. I just don't know who can or would want to help me.

First Year.

My first year at Drama School.

Today is the 5th July 2016 and I finished my first year at Drama School a week and 4 days ago.

When I think about my life this past year all I can think is that it has been a montage of loving and hating, not at different times, but simultaneously.

The course is beautiful and I love it, but for some bizarre reason I hate it also. Maybe it's because I don't fit in, maybe it's because it is hard, maybe it's because I don't know what can become of me after. I don't know.

But one thing I know for sure is that I hated every single minute of living in halls. It was like a prison. It was toxic. It was so damaging for mental health. I loathe that place now and I always will. 

I came to realise this year that I am lonely, that I struggle with people, that I feel empty, that I don't belong, that I probably don't have any sort of good future that will come from this place, that unless I'm 'lucky' I'll suffer, that I'm poor, that I'm weak, that I'm sad and that I wish I'd taken a gap year and really thought about what I wanted to do with my life.

Drama School is so difficult to get into and believe me I don't say this lightly, but this past year has been the worst of my life. 

"So why stay, when so many others are fighting to be in your position?" is what you're probably asking, and to be honest I've asked myself the same thing. And this is my answer: I fought to be here, I gave it my all and I got in, I knew it'd be hard, I'd even been told I'd probably hate it, but I see what the second and third years are doing in their classes and I want to do it! I think about what I'll do for my dissertation all the time and the thought sparks fires within me! I'm still fighting for this place even though I've got it and have been here a year, I am still fighting. I just don't know if it'll be worth it.

I'm a giver upper. I always have been. But I don't want to be that any more. I don't want to be the person who fails once or twice and packs it in. I want to be the person who fails hundreds of times but won't give up. And so yes first year has broken me in many ways, but I'm going to make second year fix me. I'm going to go into the year with a positive heart and I'm going to try. 

Who knows where I'll be or what I'll be doing when this post is published? 

I just hope I'm happy, and I hope I never gave up.

A message for you

This is a message I wished I could send to you right now because I need you.

You know who 'you' are.



I miss you. I miss you a lot.

I feel empty without your friendship.

You were the best friend I ever had.

I'm not the person I was and neither are you.

So I guess that makes us strangers.

But I want to meet you.

The new you.

I want to be your friend.

Joanna? Do you still know him?

Brace yourself Joanna.


He was kind.

sweet.

young.

naive.

beautiful.

your best friend.

he made you smile.

he knew you better than anyone else.

but he broke your heart.

not once.

twice.

and you hurt.

a lot.

because.

you loved him.

a lot.

but it was a bad idea.

you knew that.






you always said you'd never regret it.


do you regret it now?

do you still miss him?

do you even still know him?

Grow up with me - Keaton Henson

"Lets both stay away from the edge of the bed, forcing us closer together."

What I had for Breakfast

On this day 5 years ago for Breakfast I ate Strawberries and drank Cranberry juice whilst making myself a packed lunch of Cabbage, Tomatoes and Pepper.

4 Pics 1 Word

We keep trying to pinpoint the moment we actually met.

I know I was at his sisters wedding in 2009 but we didn't know each other then.

My first memory of him was us sitting in a minibus in what must have been 2010.

I turned round to him and said rather confidently "I hear you're good at 4 pics 1 word and I'm stuck on this one can you help me please."

In my mind he was a year or so younger than me and was very shy.

I literally had no idea that in a couple of years I'd fall in love with him.


What madness.

I don't get it

I'll never understand how someone can chase someone else for their love and then the moment they're about to give it the person chasing them has stopped and turned their back.

Alone.

I've been in Nottingham for around 3 months now.

Something must have gone wrong.

I must have messed up somewhere.

I have no friends here.

Apparently I'm self obsessed.

Only in order to be self obsessed surely you must like yourself?

I don't.

Maybe my coverup for how I actually feel works.

Maybe thats how I lost my friends... trying to fit in and be one of them.

Elephants

In my room right now there are over 100 elephants

CHEER UP JOANNA

I saw a top that says "CHEER UP KEATON HENSON" on his website today. I think I might ask for it for Christmas. He gets it. I think. I mean I wish he didn't get it cause I hate that he's as sad or sadder than I am.

I keep trying to pinpoint what it is thats making me sad.

Money maybe? The fact I have £0 in my bank account and that next week I need to pay back someone £33 for a train ticket and I owe my dad £15 for a train ticket, meaning that's nearly 2 weeks worth of money I owe. So for the next two weeks I need to live off what I have in my cupboard, which isn't a lot because we had weevils and had to throw out most our food. So for the next two weeks and the remainder of this week I have about 4 servings worth of pasta, 4 cans of tinned fruit, 3 sashes of cup a soups, 3 frozen salmon fillets and a pack of gluten free pink wafers. My tutors tell me I look ill, I don't wonder why.


Maybe it's that all my friends back home hate me because I'm self obsessed and only care about myself. I enjoy my life too much apparently. How wrong they all are. I now fear conversations with anyone and everyone scared that I'll mention myself and damn myself to the misconception that I only care about myself. Today I messaged two of those old friends just to say hello and ask how they were. That was several hours ago and still no response. I messed up. I lost all my friends from college. Well all but one, Alice, she's great.


Maybe its because I feel ill and weak.

Maybe its because I'm worried about where I'll be sent on placement.

I don't know. I am sad.

I'm homesick.

A Constant Loop

No matter what we do, our lives are trapped in a constant loop.

You and me don't work, right?

So why do we constantly find ourselves here again.

Face to face.

Eye to eye.

Mouth to mouth.

We'll hate each other for a period of time and then we'll be together in one another's presence and thats when one of two things will happen.

We'll fight or we'll kiss and theres no in-between.
I just don't understand what it is that makes us so keen?

We just keep trying over and over again and then as a result I'm the one left hurt in the end.

But for some strange reason, i'll never say no.

And thats because you're the one I fell in love with all those years ago.
And every now and then I fall in love with you again.

You are my constant loop in life.
I don't know how to break the pattern, not yet anyway.

Maybe when this has been posted the pattern will be broken.

But until that day comes, dear my friends, don't fall in love unless you expect it to end.

Today I am angry.

Last night 3 boys beat up a friend of mine.

I don't know why.

Even if I did know why I wouldn't understand.

When someone touches someone you care about in an abusive way it really does get to you.

One Saturday Night

One Saturday night I decided I was going to stay in and go to bed early. But instead I caught two trains and arrived at New Cross station, got off the train and went to Amersham Arms for the first time.

It had a me kind of vibe.

An art gallery upstairs.

Music downstairs.

Lights.

And...

Good Company.

Fully Qualified Giver-Upper

I'm trapped.

I don't want to go to Brno.
Literally everything within me is screaming at me not to go.
I will hate it.
I will be terrified.
I will be cold.
and all I will want is to go home.

But if I don't go I'm a fully qualified giver-upper.

I gave up on piano.
gave up on singing.
gave up on friends.
gave up on art.
gave up on dreaming.
gave up on smiling.
gave up on happiness.

Where did I go wrong.

I want to wake up from this nightmare that is my life.

Because I hate it.

I hate that Nathan lives 411 miles away from me.
I hate that I have no money.
I hate that I can barely eat because I can't afford much food.
I hate that I have no social life because I can't afford it.
I hate that I am so flipping lonely.
I hate that I haven't been home to see my family since summer.
I hate that I have to catch a train home for Christmas.
I hate that I am being sent to Brno alone.
I hate this course.
I hate life so much at the moment.

I want to live.
I want to feel happiness.
I want to see Nathan.
I want to see my family.
I want to have a big roast dinner.
I want to travel home in the car with my Dad listening to Johnny Cash.

Maybe drama school was a bad idea.
I've not been happy since coming here.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay and I'm happy because I'm really really not.

Money is my worst enemy.

I get £35 off my Dad a week to live off.

I couldn't be more thankful that he actually gives me money.

And I hate to say it,

but,

it isn't enough.




I spend the majority of my time crying over money because I actually cannot afford to live.


I need to spend £35 on food
I need to spend £15 on transport
I need to spend £5 on hygiene products

I need to be able to buy theatre tickets when told to

I need to be able to feel safe and not worry if I ever ended up stranded anywhere with no money.



I need a job but I have no time for one.


I'm struggling so much.

I don't enjoy living.


I can't do this much longer.


So many regrets.

I wish I hadn't come to Drama School when I had.


I wish I'd had taken 2 or 3 years out to work and save up money so I could actually afford to be here.



I'm never actually in class.
My body is.
My mind isn't.
My mind is off fighting battles with money.
Sadness.
Dreams for the future.

9 Grand a year and all I'm doing is worrying about money.


I need a miracle.

I need help.

So badly.

I am going to be homeless.

I can see it.

I'm scared.

Please. This is my cry for help.

BLANK

I WENT TO BRIGHTON

On the 6th March 2016 I visited Brighton for the first time with my friend Josh. 

I took photographs and filmed things for his piece of Theatre he was creating for his third year Dissertation of European Theatre Arts. 

These are a few of my favourites that I took.