Alone.

I've been in Nottingham for around 3 months now.

Something must have gone wrong.

I must have messed up somewhere.

I have no friends here.

Apparently I'm self obsessed.

Only in order to be self obsessed surely you must like yourself?

I don't.

Maybe my coverup for how I actually feel works.

Maybe thats how I lost my friends... trying to fit in and be one of them.

Elephants

In my room right now there are over 100 elephants

CHEER UP JOANNA

I saw a top that says "CHEER UP KEATON HENSON" on his website today. I think I might ask for it for Christmas. He gets it. I think. I mean I wish he didn't get it cause I hate that he's as sad or sadder than I am.

I keep trying to pinpoint what it is thats making me sad.

Money maybe? The fact I have £0 in my bank account and that next week I need to pay back someone £33 for a train ticket and I owe my dad £15 for a train ticket, meaning that's nearly 2 weeks worth of money I owe. So for the next two weeks I need to live off what I have in my cupboard, which isn't a lot because we had weevils and had to throw out most our food. So for the next two weeks and the remainder of this week I have about 4 servings worth of pasta, 4 cans of tinned fruit, 3 sashes of cup a soups, 3 frozen salmon fillets and a pack of gluten free pink wafers. My tutors tell me I look ill, I don't wonder why.


Maybe it's that all my friends back home hate me because I'm self obsessed and only care about myself. I enjoy my life too much apparently. How wrong they all are. I now fear conversations with anyone and everyone scared that I'll mention myself and damn myself to the misconception that I only care about myself. Today I messaged two of those old friends just to say hello and ask how they were. That was several hours ago and still no response. I messed up. I lost all my friends from college. Well all but one, Alice, she's great.


Maybe its because I feel ill and weak.

Maybe its because I'm worried about where I'll be sent on placement.

I don't know. I am sad.

I'm homesick.

A Constant Loop

No matter what we do, our lives are trapped in a constant loop.

You and me don't work, right?

So why do we constantly find ourselves here again.

Face to face.

Eye to eye.

Mouth to mouth.

We'll hate each other for a period of time and then we'll be together in one another's presence and thats when one of two things will happen.

We'll fight or we'll kiss and theres no in-between.
I just don't understand what it is that makes us so keen?

We just keep trying over and over again and then as a result I'm the one left hurt in the end.

But for some strange reason, i'll never say no.

And thats because you're the one I fell in love with all those years ago.
And every now and then I fall in love with you again.

You are my constant loop in life.
I don't know how to break the pattern, not yet anyway.

Maybe when this has been posted the pattern will be broken.

But until that day comes, dear my friends, don't fall in love unless you expect it to end.

Today I am angry.

Last night 3 boys beat up a friend of mine.

I don't know why.

Even if I did know why I wouldn't understand.

When someone touches someone you care about in an abusive way it really does get to you.

One Saturday Night

One Saturday night I decided I was going to stay in and go to bed early. But instead I caught two trains and arrived at New Cross station, got off the train and went to Amersham Arms for the first time.

It had a me kind of vibe.

An art gallery upstairs.

Music downstairs.

Lights.

And...

Good Company.

Fully Qualified Giver-Upper

I'm trapped.

I don't want to go to Brno.
Literally everything within me is screaming at me not to go.
I will hate it.
I will be terrified.
I will be cold.
and all I will want is to go home.

But if I don't go I'm a fully qualified giver-upper.

I gave up on piano.
gave up on singing.
gave up on friends.
gave up on art.
gave up on dreaming.
gave up on smiling.
gave up on happiness.

Where did I go wrong.

I want to wake up from this nightmare that is my life.

Because I hate it.

I hate that Nathan lives 411 miles away from me.
I hate that I have no money.
I hate that I can barely eat because I can't afford much food.
I hate that I have no social life because I can't afford it.
I hate that I am so flipping lonely.
I hate that I haven't been home to see my family since summer.
I hate that I have to catch a train home for Christmas.
I hate that I am being sent to Brno alone.
I hate this course.
I hate life so much at the moment.

I want to live.
I want to feel happiness.
I want to see Nathan.
I want to see my family.
I want to have a big roast dinner.
I want to travel home in the car with my Dad listening to Johnny Cash.

Maybe drama school was a bad idea.
I've not been happy since coming here.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay and I'm happy because I'm really really not.