Fully Qualified Giver-Upper

I'm trapped.

I don't want to go to Brno.
Literally everything within me is screaming at me not to go.
I will hate it.
I will be terrified.
I will be cold.
and all I will want is to go home.

But if I don't go I'm a fully qualified giver-upper.

I gave up on piano.
gave up on singing.
gave up on friends.
gave up on art.
gave up on dreaming.
gave up on smiling.
gave up on happiness.

Where did I go wrong.

I want to wake up from this nightmare that is my life.

Because I hate it.

I hate that Nathan lives 411 miles away from me.
I hate that I have no money.
I hate that I can barely eat because I can't afford much food.
I hate that I have no social life because I can't afford it.
I hate that I am so flipping lonely.
I hate that I haven't been home to see my family since summer.
I hate that I have to catch a train home for Christmas.
I hate that I am being sent to Brno alone.
I hate this course.
I hate life so much at the moment.

I want to live.
I want to feel happiness.
I want to see Nathan.
I want to see my family.
I want to have a big roast dinner.
I want to travel home in the car with my Dad listening to Johnny Cash.

Maybe drama school was a bad idea.
I've not been happy since coming here.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

I'm tired of pretending I'm okay and I'm happy because I'm really really not.